


Let myself try.

by bbooyou



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Centric!Dan Howell, Fluff, M/M, Mild Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-13
Updated: 2017-04-13
Packaged: 2018-10-18 11:23:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10615869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bbooyou/pseuds/bbooyou
Summary: He loves him. He can’t change what he feels anymore, not after all those years, but maybe, just maybe he could be strong for the first time since what seems like an eternity and finally try.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: there might be some awkward english. I tried my best. If I made a mistake, please let me know.
> 
> Note: based off "PHAN | All The Best Moments (UPDATED)" by MSammy1000 on YouTube. The greatest 33 minutes of my life.  
> You can also follow me on Tumblr where I cross-post all of my stuff: lowerc4se.

Honestly, now that he thinks about it, it wasn’t really hard to tell at all. The subtle glances, the little gestures that said ‘I care about you’, the fact that he was always by his side no matter what. He thought that maybe, just maybe it was all part of his lovey dovey imagination, the fact that he thought he was the only one who knew, the only one who could tell the difference between a friendly behavior and something more. 

 

He’s crying now, his face buried in his pillow and his subconscious telling him that  _ he’s stupid _ , _ he’s an idiot _ . He truly feels like it. It’s late night, and the only sounds accompanying his quiet sobs are the cries of the crickets outside of his window. 

 

It all started with this video he found. Just another normal fan video of him and his best friend, it wasn’t uncommon for him, he was used to it. He was bored and he had work to do, so he thought it was the best idea to press play and just procrastinate. It was ‘ _ The Best of Dan and Phil _ ’, after all. 

 

He noticed right away since the first clip. It was a random video of them two, with him staring rather focused at his best friend with a side grin garnishing his rosy lips. ‘ _ Well’ _ , he said to himself, ‘ _ sometimes it can’t be helped _ ’.

 

The video kept going and the more he watched it, the more he became anxious and panicky. All the stares that he was giving the black haired boy, all the smiles, the subtle touches and the jealousy… Was he that obvious? He couldn’t really take his eyes off the screen even though he just wanted it to be over. His hands were trembling and his breathing suddenly became more and more agitated.

 

He ended up closing his laptop mercyless. 

 

And here was he, all curled up in his bed, hiding in the dark of the night as he allowed his emotions to take over himself. The fans knew, and he couldn’t pretend that it was just a joke anymore. He was tired, because it was true. He looked at him like he was the one who putted the sun up in the sky because he lightened up his life in his worst moment. He showed jealous whenever they were with other people because he was afraid that they would take him away, that he liked them more than he liked him. He  _ loved  _ him, and he couldn’t deny it anymore. Everyone knew. It was more than a joke, more than a  _ ‘ship’ _ . He loved him desperately, with all his heart.

 

But he couldn’t know that.

 

It would ruin everything. His almost decade-long friendship, the empire that they built together as a team — they were Dan and Phil, after all. He wasn’t strong, everybody knew that. He could never survive without him.

 

Perhaps he was just too insecure to even try.

 

So he woke up the next morning, eyes swollen and big dark circles surrounding them. Something was up, and you could tell it from miles away. 

 

He discovered that he wasn’t that good pretending, so trying was useless. 

 

“Bad night?” Phil asked when Dan entered their living room more quietly than usual. He just nodded, walking fast to the kitchen in hopes that maybe, possibly he could hide himself all day with several cups of cereal.

 

But Phil wasn’t like that, Dan knew. He wouldn’t let it go, he would do all that’s within his possibilities and even beyond that to make him happy — because that’s what best friends do.

 

‘ _ Best friends _ ’. Dan never hated the tag more than now. 

 

“Do you want to spend the rest of the day watching some Riverdale? Maybe we can watch Yuri on Ice after that, and Tokyo Ghoul, and…” Phil kept listing shows as he looked at Dan with hopeful eyes and a soft smile. 

 

He was so caring, so precious, and in this precise moment Daniel hated it, hated all of it. ‘ _ I just want to stop loving you, don’t make it harder for me _ ’, he thought.

 

But he was weak, even weaker now, and even though the only thing he wanted to do was hide from Phil, he spent the day by his side, laughing at his bad puns, kicking him whenever he tried to tickle him and just staring at him quietly as he rambled about his top ten reasons on why Buffy was the best show that ever existed.

 

He couldn’t quite get enough of him, even though he tried his best. 

 

And it was just in that moment, when Phil had his eyes focused on their TV and Dan’s were focused on Phil that he realised it didn’t really matter anymore. He was weak to commentaries from fans and even haters, he was weak to all the attention that he always gained; he was so weak, so breakable, but it didn’t really mattered because if he closed his eyes he still could see Phil’s smile dedicated to him, he still could hear Phil’s soft whispers as he tells him it will all be okay, and every moment that they shared together reunited in his head. It didn’t really mattered because he knew that just to keep that alive, just to maintain them together he could be stronger than anyone. 

 

He loves him. He can’t change what he feels anymore, not after all those years, but maybe, just maybe he could be strong for the first time since what seems like an eternity and finally  _ try _ . 

 

“What are you thinking of?” Phil asked, taking him back from all of his thoughts.

 

He stared just for a second. His pale skin, blue eyes, black straight hair and the most important factor: that soft, almost relaxing smile telling him ‘it will all be fine’. 

 

Yeah, maybe it will.

 

“On what a nerd are you to think that Buffy deserves the title of best show ever”.

**Author's Note:**

> Lemme know if you want a part two!


End file.
